Emerson and me, circa Summer 2007

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Lawyer Rule #1: Nothing a lawyer says means much unless someone more important said it first. Everyone (read: one person, ever) keeps telling me I should write a blog. A bunch of people (read: two people, out of kindess) said they’d totally read it if I did. So, here I am…. About to tell you a bunch of things about life that other wiser,  livelier people have already opined on. Maybe you’ll find it funny or interesting.

It’s fitting that I draft my first blog on Emerson’s ( my Emerson’s, not Ralph Waldo’s) birthday. Today is my 11th mom-iversary, which means it’s been 11 years and 9 months since I chose to go where there was “no path.”

I mean, maybe there was a little path? Certainly, I was not the first 20-year-old single mom with keen aspirations of making life work. But the path was obscured, at the very least. I, naturally, didn’t really care. I was confident (read: Delusions of Grandeur) that I could do this “raising a human” thing and (even better) that I could do it WAY better than everyone else! (see also: Perfectionist)

This just in: I didn’t. I didn’t do it better than everyone. I did it about the same as most. But I did it. And in motherhood, as in life, participation counts.

I wasn’t perfect- shhhhhh! I didn’t even breastfeed Emerson (read: Baby Poison, insert ::sarcasm::) after a couple weeks, for God’s sake. He didn’t go to bed early. My apartment was not tidy and cute. I took him out to breakfast with friends during morning nap time and became frustrated when he threw tantrums. He bit perfect strangers until he was well into his fourth year of life; this was probably my fault somehow.

I wasn’t ready to wake up sub-7:00 a.m. on weekends (or weekdays, for that matter). Few of my friends were awake before the noon hour. It was far harder than I anticipated. But I did it. And while I did it, I started down a path towards making my dreams come true. Enter, law school.

I didn’t accomplish this in spite of him. I did it because of him. Years after I’d chosen this path, I heard of this idea of “parental signaling” on NPR (Joel makes me listen to it ::insert loving eyeroll::). “Parental Signaling” was being discussed by economists (like, the smartest people) who believed the best investment you can make in your children is the example you set. (Warning, really long. The first page will do: Parental Behavior)

Seems simple enough, right? But really. How many smokers (previously guilty, here) tell their kids “don’t EVER start smoking! It’s a terrible habit!!” to later find their kids with a pack of cigarettes? It’s because children are far more likely to do what you do, not what you say. Lecture away, it seems you’d be better off ignoring them (reasonably) and just going about setting an example of the person you want them to be. Consciously, or subconsciously, they’ll fall in line.

Easier said than done, though. If you’re like me, you’re probably an asshole from time to time (read: more than that). Sorry, friends! Truly. This whole life and parenting thing would be a lot easier if we weren’t assholes, but we are. It’s human nature. We’re self-serving to varying degrees and life is fraught with conflict keeping us from getting what we want when we want it.

In case you feared I’d taken a tangential highway to hell here, rest assured this is coming full circle-ish. Besides the aforementioned un-perfect parenting decisions I made, what I mostly did “wrong” with Emerson is taught him to be just. like. me.

It’s absolutely maddening at times.One could say that I am just a petulant 11 year old who hasn’t learned proper coping mechanisms for not getting her way which puts Emerson and I “on the level” so to speak. Joel might agree some days. But its more likely that Emerson’s behavior is a mirror of my own self-serving (let’s call it ambitious) behavior (with slightly less finesse, to be sure).

BUUUUUT… there’s good news. This sometimes terrible example of ambitious self-service I set for him? It sometimes manifests wonderful!

Sometimes, it manifested in him promptly hanging up his backpack and racing to mat for preschool circle time before the teacher started reading (after I’d likely made him late.)

Sometimes it manifested in playing piano in the talent show year after year because he wasn’t afraid to be proud and showcase his talent.

More often than not, it manifests in Emerson being confident in his ability to succeed despite any real or perceived fear of failure. It’s manifested in Joel and me not being the slightest bit nervous that he’s going to a middle school across town from his grade school friends. It resulted in his unabashed acceptance of leadership roles and congratulation.

I left a trail. The trail was for Emerson- Vivienne and Lorelei now, too. The trail is lined in grit. The path seemed to require a machete at times, but the trail’s been (haphazardly in places) blazed. Economists say they’ll follow it. I don’t hope it will lead to the same place. I hope it’ll lead them somewhere of their own. I hope it’ll lead them to some place happy. Because that’s where it lead me.

Because, as Emerson’s (Ralph Waldo’s, not mine) friend said:

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined.”-Henry David Thoreau